Dating After Divorce or Losing a Spouse

Speaker 2 (00:00) Hey guys, this is Kelly Williams. I wanna welcome you back to another episode of Sugar, Spice, and Spirits podcast. I am here with my co-hosts. Speaker 3 (00:07) Mindy Price. Speaker 1 (00:08) Natalie Pilkington. Speaker 2 (00:10) And we are here in North, I said North Texas, North Houston. And what's the name of this place? They just recently changed their name. It's the Texas Hideout. Speaker 3 (00:14) Feels like more Texas. Speaker 1 (00:21) Hideout. We're in Burbank and a few other locations. So check this Hideout out. Thank you for having us. Speaker 2 (00:27) absolutely really cool place. Lots of, you can't see in front of us, but there's lots of TVs, a dance floor, we're actually on the stage, a great big bar, so really really fun fun place. A lot of outdoor activities as well, so if you haven't seen them, check them out. It's gonna be a great venue for lots of good fun times. So, as you know, we always start our podcast out with a sip of the day, and today is the Bandito Mojito. This is one of their specialty drinks, Speaker 3 (00:52) Ooh, that's good. Speaker 2 (00:54) Yeah, definitely if you know if you're familiar with the mojito, there's cement to it. It's refreshing. I would think it would be more of a summertime drink, which is very good. It's a little cool outside, but yeah, pretty good. Pretty good. as you know, we start with our sip of the day and then we get into the main dish. Speaker 1 (00:59) Yes. Speaker 2 (01:11) today's topic is relationships and whether or not you have them, you don't have them, getting back into the dating game for those that have been married for a long time, kudos to you. For those that were married for long time and suddenly got thrown back into the dating pool, for those that have been in a relationship for a while, not as long as this one, blended families, there's so many different avenues out there. to consider and so many questions. So we just thought we would kind of dive into that whole aspect of just the chaos of dating and what at the different age groups what we're looking for. So if you have any comments, we would love to hear them. Definitely we have a very vast following of different age groups. So it would be very interesting to hear some of the different takes on what your perspective is on how you see the dating pool. in your 20s, 30s, 40s, 50s, what your expectations are, what you want to get out of dating. Sometimes it's kids, sometimes it's security, sometimes it's just a sugar daddy, a sugar mama, whatever. But it really is just a full spectrum of what people are looking for. You know, when we first started dating all those years ago, there weren't apps. You didn't date online, you didn't meet anybody online, heaven forbid. You either met them at church, at the bar, through a friend of a friend or whatever, and now it's just, know, match.com and Tinder and Hinge and whatever all the hell those other places are. But it's just totally different. And let's face it, with all the remote working that you do, some people just don't get out as much as they used to. And so sometimes the online dating world is the only avenue some people have to meet a potential suitor. Potential suitor, listen me, it's all I want. So, let's, you know, normally we try to throw in lot of stats, and I think this time what we decided to do was just talk through, if we're free-balling, there you go. Speaker 1 (03:08) Dating ourselves. Dating. free ball. Speaker 2 (03:21) Through our experiences. So I ended up in the dating field After 16 years of being married to a fabulous man and he passed away due to cancer and suddenly at 53 years old I was thrown back into the dating game. It was totally different than what I experienced when I was 35. It was even different 35 because the thing is I met my late husband, we'd gone to high school together, and so we kind of knew each other. So it didn't really take a whole lot of getting to know each other again. So it was kind of easy. We got married after about six months of dating because we knew each other. And it was 16 fabulous years. And then all of a sudden he got sick and passed away. And I was like, oh my gosh, I don't even know where to start. And I live in a small town. And so it's kind of slim pickings. And so you're just like, well, where do you go? What do you do? When you live in a small town, it's the same places, it's the same people. Speaker 1 (04:17) Didn't they write a country song about that? Speaker 3 (04:19) There's a country song for it. Speaker 2 (04:20) Everything, everything. So I guess where I'm wanting to go initially is at my age, like I said, my 50s, and a lot of this stuff is from the year 40s, what are people my age looking for? I've already had the kids. I'm established in my career. Speaker 3 (04:37) She's nine years older than us. How do you know what people her age are looking for? Speaker 1 (04:41) I don't know if she's telling us. Speaker 2 (04:42) Trust me, trust me. Anyway, I have my kids, I have my career, I own a home and those types of things. you know, what am I looking for as opposed to what my daughter, who's, you know, 28, what she's looking for. She doesn't have any kids and she's, you know, career oriented, but yet she's still looking for that lifelong partner. So I think when you compare what I'm looking for to compare what she's looking for, it's a totally different. outlook on things. I think from my perspective, I'm looking for peace. know, peace over chaos. you know, the whole woo-saw thing. What's this? The whole woo-saw when you rub your earlobe. Speaker 3 (05:22) I forgot to put earrings on today, by the way. That feels weird. Speaker 2 (05:28) So when you look at a world of peace versus chaos, I remember when you're young and you're dating and there's so many different aspects of it, I think at some point you finally get to the level where like, I just want longevity and consistency and some peace over chaos. want this calm energy. I don't want all this emotional craziness. Someone who, you doesn't want to pick a fight. And I guess you expect it at your age that you think we've all matured. I assure you, there are just as many high schooler acting people out there that at my age as there were back then. It's amazing because you think that when you're our age and you date, you think we've all evolved to the point where we know what we're talking about. No, there are just it. Speaker 1 (06:20) That's unhealthy. mean, there's the unhealthy narcissistic people out Speaker 2 (06:24) Yeah, to me, is the new sexy. I'm sorry. Having peace, it's like, you know, I don't want the drama. Especially after dealing with a lengthy illness. Yeah. You know and dealing with all the heartache that goes with that and and with with someone I would imagine with someone who went through the trauma and the drama of divorce I can't even imagine I would think that kind of person would want something even more Peaceful and just like just give me something that works something that's easy and we know no relationship is easy I mean, it's always gonna be work in some form or fashion, but at my age, of I was married for 16 years, there are some people at my age who have been married for longer than that, and I just kind of wonder at what point people are looking more for just companionship. mean, are you really looking for that chemistry and that physical relationship? I I'm in my late 50s and I'm not saying, my mom, I'm sorry mom, please forgive me. I'm not saying that sexy time is not important to me in a relationship. Of course it is. Of course it is. And there are some people, but all they want is just that person to spend time with. You they may have that plus one. That they don't necessarily are concerned about intimacy. They just want to have someone other than their girlfriends to spend time with. You know, before I got recently married, Speaker 3 (07:28) very important. Speaker 2 (07:49) You know, we have a big group of girls that we run around with and they're all married except for a few of us. And anytime they would ever make plans, they would always ask for Kelly and Suzy. You we were the super couple because don't forget Kelly and Suzy, don't forget Kelly and Suzy. And every time we did a couple thing, Kelly and Suzy were always right there because she was single and I was single, it was cruises it didn't matter what it was. We always were the ones that always showed up together. We were great companions, but we just didn't quite fit the bill for each other on those levels. So when you start dating, I think a lot of it depends on that physical part, that emotional part that you might be looking for, that just your best friend, your best girlfriend or best guy friend doesn't feel that bucket for you. So, mean, what are your thoughts on that? I mean, I know it's difficult for you, because you've been married for a long time, and kudos to you. Speaker 3 (08:47) It is hard for me and you'll see these podcasts there are certain ones where I was like I have zero to add I have nothing to add and I just smile and I'm silent And when we were initially discussing not what we were going to talk about, but the topic, and I was like, well, y'all, I'm going to be really quiet because I've been married for so long. And this one over here, Natalie was like, Mindy, think about it. You have been married for 24 years. You have had this relationship. And in this day and age, you're almost an anomaly. You're not an anomaly, but you are a rarity. there are things that you can talk about. When you were saying certain things, Kelly, I literally was like, I can't imagine. Like, I can't imagine going through that. And I will say, I love my husband, and I've loved him since I met him when I was a freshman in high school. And we joke around, because we didn't stay together. I was a freshman, he was a senior. I always joke around, well, we dated, then we broke up, and then we sewed our wild oats. And when I say sewed our wild oats, yeah, we did. He's gonna be real mad when he sees this. Speaker 2 (09:56) But we can edit it out. Speaker 3 (09:59) We're not. Like it's true, it's real. marriage isn't perfect. I was always going after a career and I was doing so much and I can remember like working so hard and we had our kids young and we were going on our 10 year anniversary and we went on a cruise for eight days and there was a part of me, and he knows this, there was a part of me where I was like, oh my gosh, We've been together 10 years, but we're literally eight days together. No kids, no anything. Are we gonna be okay? And what an amazing blessing it was that everybody thought we were like a brand new newlywed couple. were holding hands everywhere we went. We had some of the best of our lives. It was great. But I will say there was a part of me, I was so nervous. What if we don't get along? What if it doesn't work out? What if all these things? and we had the best time on this cruise and when we got back, we were just like, my God, y'all, we were little obnoxious, okay? So we get back and we're just like, it was the best thing ever. Everybody should cruise. And we read the reviews and some people were just like, it was awful. It's all what experience you make it. and Here we are almost 25 years later being married. Is it? Sunshine and rainbows and cruises that are so amazing, you know and all this stuff Just we do go to life Life and relationships are hard and so my oldest son is getting married and he's engaged to a beautiful woman and I love her very very much and we were together before a night where she went to go check out dresses for the first time and some of the young women were just like you and Trav have been married for so long how do you do it it seems so perfect I'm like Speaker 2 (11:58) you Speaker 3 (11:59) Far beyond perfect. But my gosh, would I want to do it with anybody else? No. Do we fight sometimes? Are there things we disagree with? Yes. But the thing is, it comes back to communication. And I hope and pray that we are here 10 years from now and I'm telling you other stories about this. There's no other person that I want to be with. It is not perfect. It's not sunshine and rainbows. It's not sex every night, by the way, and everybody thinks that's so good. The things, like things you don't want to talk about. But it's like that true connection and that love and that support and that... You know, when you're not getting along, it's not just throwing in a towel and walking a lot. Let's talk and let's have conversations. so, Kelly, it's hard for me as some of the things you were saying, my I didn't want to do this podcast. was like, I don't I don't know what I'm going to say because my situation between the two of these is so different. And again, it was this one. And of course, this one over here always is encouraging. She was like, no, you want to talk about that. Y'all, I want to be with him for the rest of my life. And he drives me bat shit crazy sometimes. Like, he does. But there's no other person I want to drive me bat shit crazy. It's never been perfect. Speaker 1 (13:25) It's your circus, it's your monkey. Speaker 2 (13:27) Right. Speaker 3 (13:28) I've learned we're not supposed to say that, so I'm not gonna go ahead and go there. For me, you can do whatever you want. But it's my paradigm. It's where I am. It's what I do. It's my family. Speaker 2 (13:41) Well, and I think when, for the most part, you know, there's a quote out of a movie that is so funny, it's Coyote Ugly, and she says, one of the characters says, my gosh, you look so happy. She goes, I think I chose well for my first marriage. We're like, okay, as opposed to having many more. But I think we all go into a relationship with the plan of like, is this gonna be the final one? Is this the one that's gonna answer my questions? And I adore my husband that have now. I've been so blessed to have found someone that just fills all my needs and all my dreams and everything because I had a fabulous husband that passed away five years ago and he checked off all the boxes. Well, almost all the boxes. I think no one checks off all the boxes. Speaker 3 (14:26) loved him so much. was such a great chef. was a chef. Speaker 2 (14:29) was a great guy and no one ever would have suspected after 16 years of marriage that he would have gotten sick and then ultimately passed away. And so all of a sudden, like I said, after two years of battling cancer, I was thrown back into this dating game and now it's like, okay, now what am I looking for? Now how do I play this game? And it is, y'all, it is a game. I don't care if you're in 20s or your 30s, it is a game. and you have to know how to work that game, but you have to know how to be true to yourself and know what you want. When we talked about what you're looking for, for me personally, looking for someone who has their life together, I felt like I had my life pretty well together, but after dealing with that for so many years and getting back into it, you don't know what other people are dealing with. When I got back into the dating game for the first time, I met people who I didn't realize at the time had been in that dating game. already for a couple years. Well, they're like standing in the driveway with marriage papers. I'm like, here's my second date. This is not going to happen. You have to learn how to maneuver and navigate that area because all of a sudden you've got someone who, you know, I went out with someone who was from a different state and they flew into town. I'm I can move here. I'm like, the hell you can. No, you're not. It's just amazing. what people are willing to do just to be with a person. Just whether it's your battling loneliness or whatever, that to me, I fortunately was financially secure. I had fabulous friends around me who would pick me up and carry me through the ups and the downs. I had gotten to the point where I finally learned how it was, there's a difference between being alone and being lonely. And once I learned how to get rid of the lonely, I was okay being alone because at first I couldn't stand being by myself. I mean, you know, you lived around the corner from me. I I ate dinner with you and Travis almost every night. She was like, girl, you got to go home. She didn't, but anyway. But it's kind of one of those things where you finally get the point where you're like, yeah, I'm okay. I can do this by myself because you learn how to find, after so many years when everything is you and that person, you and that person, you and that person, you have to learn how to be just you. And once you learn how to be just you, then you can really with an open mind, kind of surf the waters and figure out what you're looking for. And that's where I think some of these big questions come into play. What are you looking for? What are they looking for? What happens if you really like that person and you're not sure that they like you? How do you find out for sure? What if they're older than you and they don't want the same things as you? Like I said, if you think it's easy because you're more mature, it's not. Go ahead. Speaker 3 (17:30) Do you mind if I say something? Go ahead. Because I'm so, you've got so much to add to this, but I don't know how you're gonna feel about what I'm about to say, but. So, when I first met you, you had such creativity about you. There was, if we were gonna throw a shower, if we were gonna, you know, if you were gonna donate something to a auction or to this, it was all this creativity. And, Speaker 2 (17:40) I'm gonna smack you. Speaker 3 (17:58) That was your outlet because with Lance, her late husband, the happiness that you had, there was such satisfaction in that. Y'all were so happy. Was it perfect? We're girlfriends. We talk about things. Nothing's ever perfect. Like we love our husbands. And you losing him. What's very interesting now, all these years later, where you found your new husband, The things that I see you doing, that creative outlet, are so different. It's not gonna create this basket or... Speaker 2 (18:33) this lamp or do this. You're like, I'm getting on my Harley and I'm going to go do this and I'm going to go do that. I would have never imagined this stuff before. Speaker 3 (18:41) And you're able to have freedom of expression. You were very happy with Lance and the things that you did. was absolutely perfect. you... Unfortunately, because of your situation, and you had several years between finding your new husband and your late husband, all the things that you went through, now you're in this different place in your life where you experience things. Speaker 2 (18:50) Got Speaker 3 (19:08) and I wanted to bring this up because I literally don't have a lot to add to this episode because I have been married for so long, but I can be an observer in seeing those things. so I know sometimes I'm the Speaker 2 (19:12) feel like Debbie Downer here and I'm like, well. Speaker 3 (19:26) let's make a lesson out of this. But you think about it, like we all go through things. You've dated, you've done new things and imagine what you can figure out within yourself. and your experience is very different because of losing a husband and then gaining a new one because of unfortunate death and circumstances. Speaker 2 (19:49) right? I think also where a lot of the lessons are is that you have to walk into a new relationship and whether it's from a divorce, whether it's just you're in college and you break up with someone, it doesn't necessarily have to be from the passing of a spouse that you've had for many years. Anytime you walk into a new relationship, coming out of what you consider a really, really great relationship, it's hard to not do the comparison. well this person communicated like this and this person doesn't communicate like this. So where you really give me the benefit is just, know, as Trevor and I are learning to communicate with each other, we're very different souls. We come from very different backgrounds, but we do have lot of similarities. He rides the motorcycles, I ride the motorcycles. We have a lot of mutual friends, and we just enjoy the heck out of each other. We have a lot of the same goals in life, but our communication styles are very different. My late husband would just, he would come in here like, bleh, here's what happened today. Trevor holds it in. And so when Trevor's quiet, I'm like, my gosh, what's wrong, what's wrong, what's wrong? And it's learning each other's new style, because I'm also that person, I'm like, bleh! And he's like, whoa, wow, you know? And I don't really know what his past relationships have been like. So I just know sometimes I'm like that little wild banshee that he's like, good God, what have I gotten myself into? But there's times when I reach out to these ladies who are my friends and say, okay, give me your advice. What do I do? How do I handle this? Because after 16 years of handling it one way, sometimes you need that input and say, okay, what do I do? What do I say? Because all of a sudden you feel like you're this high school kid all over again. Can't imagine. And you don't want to rock the boat. You don't want to make them mad. Sometimes when you're in a relationship where you know how one person reacts, you don't know if that person is going to react the same way. it's totally different. And it's just learning that communication style. And sometimes you just kind of have to sit down and do that very difficult thing of having that conversation and saying, We're in this together. We're partners. Let's figure this out and there are times that just like you said you drive Travis bat shit crazy I promise you Trevor walks in and says sweet, baby Jesus. What have I done? You know and I'm like, huh? You stay with me now and but and I say that all in fun because yeah, bless him. Speaker 3 (22:26) I can't always, I'm not in your shoes. I haven't been there, but there are certain things you can do in communication just as a whole that really make sense no matter the situation. in any relationship, single, engaged, married, divorced, communication is so important. Speaker 2 (22:43) Especially when you have like a blended family because I know that you know your significant other helps you with you know with your bonus with your bonus baby when you're out working and stuff he he gets him to you know soccer and different programs and and You know sometimes you just you don't know how your significant other is going to kind of fall into that role so I mean there's a lot to be said at our age when you meet someone and you have the kid factor, but if you even have the grand kid factor, or like Natalie and I each have a parent that lives at home with us. And I mean, there's a whole other layer because there's a lot of significant others and spouses that are like, hey honey, you're enough as it is. You throw your kids and your parents in the mix. Speaker 1 (23:23) another layer. So dating, like being in the long term, being with my ex for 20 plus years, high school on, having three kids, four kids, bonus in there too. Having those four kids and at the end having like a young, being in my 40s, having a youngin. You know, I'm not talking like just, you know, like teenagers, everybody has those at that age, but having. a youngin'. You know, it was interesting. Like, nobody really met my kids. Like, it wasn't something like you got to meet them. You know, I was fortunate enough to get in church, which I strongly suggest if you're newly single, get in with the church. You're gonna be scarred. You're gonna have pain regardless if you filed, regardless if they filed, regardless of what happened. Work through that. Get in with a good social group. So I found a singles group on Facebook. and became a part of that. And we would come to this very place that was called Bearback before then and it was, I liked to country and western dance. I would come dancing, I would go to Big Texas and I would dance and I'd go to all these places and just have fun. And I was on Bumble, the dating app, which being on dating apps, Coffee Meets Bagel was another one that I was on. I mean, the scammers that came from Coffee Meets Bagel was stories, that was fun. but I also knew that it was a scammer and I was bored and didn't have anything else to do so I would talk with the scammers. And then, you know, it's as you go through this process and you have your list and you become like peace, like peace is the big thing, right? Especially when you've come through something traumatic. And so when you start dating and you're talking to people, I just quit going on dates and I started meeting them for coffee. Like my time was valuable and if I'm gonna spend it with you, I wanted to just have coffee and some of the guys were like, wow, this is like an interview. I'm like, yeah, kind of is an interview. I had, you know, a couple of great dates, but not really a whole lot. was just not like I just wanted like, let's do coffee. And then I would dance with my friends at night. So yeah. And for me, that was beneficial. And what's funny is I had my checklist. They can't be drunk. They can't be this. They can't be that. And I ended up meeting Brian. He was, him on Bumble and we were just chit-chatting. We were pen pals. He chatted with everybody on Bumble, I think, and he never asked me out. So I was like, okay, I'm not gonna ask you out. I'm traditional. You ask me out. Then he walks past me at Big Texas, cause I was there dancing with my girlfriends. And I'm like, you're Brian from Bumble? And he was drunk and I'm like, what in the world? was like, okay. I was like, you're Brian from Bumble? He goes, yeah, I'm on Bumble. And I'm like, shit, Sherlock, I'm talking to you. And then he comes back, he's like, yeah, we're talking. And I was like, okay. And then, like, through the night went on, all my guy friends that were great country and western dancers were holding the bar up, or the bar was holding them up, I don't know which way. And I'm looking around the dance floor and I'm like, I just want to dance one more time before I leave. So I'm like looking and... There's Brian, he's standing up straight on board. I'm from Bumble. I'm from Bumble. And Big Texas. I had him saved in my phone as BBBT. And I just changed him about last month, like in my phone. Now I can't find him on my phone. I'm like, crap, how do I get him? But I'm like, let's go dance. So we go around the dance floor and we had fun and he was like, that's good. And he was standing up, he was sober. It was Wednesday night. Speaker 2 (26:58) is. Speaker 1 (26:58) Which he would always just like, because it was ladies night, get the drinks early and then drive like sober up and then drive home. And I was like, okay, like I really didn't, I didn't have a forward thought on him. then we came, like I came here to Big Bear Back, which is now Texas Hideout, after a work event. So I was dressed to the nines and came here and then here he was. I was like, are you stalking me? And he was like, I was here first. I was like, yeah, you're stalking me. So we continued to discuss and we had so many parallels. Like our kids went to the same school. His ex-wife taught at the same school as my kid that he was the, you know, PTO, what is it? Not the student council president. And they played basketball and ran cross country. And I'm like, that's everything my kids did. But it was like we were two years behind him and his wife and kids and where they were life-wise. Who knows, we may have shopped at the same grocery store at the same time, I don't know. But we ended up hitting it off and we were just texting and chatting and then from there we've kind of been inseparable. But he was like, I don't want a relationship. I'm like, okay, I don't want a relationship. And then it was like three months later he'd gone to every real estate networking event, everything I was doing and I'm like... Speaker 2 (27:56) could be. Technically you're in a relationship. Speaker 1 (28:15) Okay, at this point I'm starting to catch feelings like we either need to cut it or we need to move on because I'm not into playing games. And if you still don't feel something at this point, let's move on. Speaker 3 (28:26) think that's a good lesson in this, if you're communicating. Communication is key. Speaker 2 (28:34) Absolutely. think when you go into relationship, and that's one of those topics, like I said, 23 pages, one of the topics is from the very beginning. And it's hard because when you find someone that you're really compatible with, that you just enjoy doing things with, are you really on the same page? Do you really want the same things? Prior to me meeting my husband, Trevor, and marrying him, I dated a gentleman who was quite a bit older than me. And everything was wonderful. Everything, we had a great time, we did, we had a good time. But everything was great as long as it was within his world. He couldn't handle my world, because my world was filled with chaos. I had parents, I had pets, I had kids, I had everything. But to come to his world was nice and quiet, and I loved going to his world, because then I could, but I always had to wake up and come to my world. And I knew at the end of the day, the two worlds were never gonna come together. It just wasn't. And I thought, you know, and this went on for almost two years. And I thought, you but it was a nice release. But I finally just woke up one day and said, you know what, this is really not what I'm looking for. And I knew I wasn't what he was looking for either. And so at that point, we had the conversation. I said, you know, I'm in a good place. I love my house. I love my friends. I'm going out. I said, I am ready to just. be Kelly and be on my own and just do my thing. And when I tell you it was just like that all of a sudden, I was, know, when you're the whole Facebook thing and you're sitting there and you're, know, so-and-so might be your friend. I was like, oh, okay. So I, Trevor popped up and I looked at him on Facebook and I was like, oh, he looks kind of cute. But we had all these mutual friends. And I literally went, okay, I'll send him a friend request. He happened to be sitting with all of my friends. And he was like, hey, do y'all know Kelly Mobley? And they're like, oh my gosh, why didn't we think about her? She's so perfect. But then they said, but let me tell you, if you're gonna mess with her, don't you? Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Well, when I tell you, and you guys know me, I'm absolutely 100 % into divine intervention. I think God has a hand in everything. think God puts people in your pathway in the appropriate time. I think he removes people at the appropriate time. And when I tell you Trevor had just, Speaker 3 (30:25) what she's been through. Speaker 2 (30:49) reinstated his Facebook page and within 15 minutes and that's when he popped up and I said, gosh, he's friends with, you know, with Kelly and Kim and all these other people that I know and I was like, okay, I'll be your friend. And then within 15 minutes we were talking and we went out the next day and it was just like, it was so easy and it was so simple and it was. It doesn't work that way. Speaker 1 (31:10) it worked that way for everybody. Speaker 2 (31:12) almost five years of going out and dating. So I'm not saying it happened just like that. It happened just like that with Trevor. But it was just kind one those things where it was like, okay, wow, this is it. Speaker 1 (31:23) But you were in a position that you could allow yourself to have that place filled with somebody else. Speaker 2 (31:28) Because I was in a position where I could I said I can be by myself. I'm okay by myself Speaker 1 (31:32) That's usually when he gets Speaker 3 (31:33) And it took me a while to get there. it took her a to get there. And so when she finally did find him and it was so fast and was so ready and all the things, I was like, are we sure? And I'm so glad that it worked out. But it was like you never know and you cannot judge. Speaker 2 (31:35) A long while. I was ready. much. Speaker 1 (31:54) But I think in life like if you're allowing a loser or scrub or somebody like that to fill your space and you know they're not the one and you're allowing them to occupy that. You're not allowing God to find favor and find somebody because your mind and your time and everything that's planned for you is taken by something that is not planned for you. So if you have somebody that's in your life that doesn't need to be there and you know that because you know it. Get them out. Speaker 2 (32:23) Or if you're with someone who is treating you as an option, don't be someone's option. You're better than that. Don't be an option. Be someone that they want to have as a consistency. Shortly after Lance passed away, when I had all that imp, right before he passed away. On any given day, I had five, six people in my house all the time. You lived around the corner, you were there for me every day around the clock to make sure that I was okay. And then the last few days before he passed away, everybody was there. And then the last day that after he passed away, they wheeled him out and everybody left, I was like, where is everybody? She was there. Speaker 3 (33:13) I was still. Speaker 2 (33:14) But all of a sudden it was just like, oh my gosh. It's a very weird thing. And I got into a relationship a short time after that with a good friend from high school. And we dated for seven months. And I will tell you, it probably was not the healthiest relationship, but it was necessary. And after we split up, we were friends for a long time, but it took about a year later, I finally told him, said, you know what? I could not have gotten through that seven months without you. Speaker 3 (33:17) It was, it's a weird thing. Speaker 2 (33:44) because that person filled such a void for me and helped me get past just that emptiness and that solitude that was unhealthy for me. And we're great friends now, and he's like very happy for me that I'm married and I want him to find someone, but he's like the perpetual single guy, he's awesome. But he and his best friend, we were all three great friends in high school, and we remain the best of friends. But I don't know where I would have been without him. for that seven months because it was just, I mean, was just an emptiness. And when he first told me one time, he said, I think I'm just feeling a void. Oh, that infuriated me. How dare you say that to me? And now I look back, I'm like, yeah, you probably were. Doesn't mean I didn't adore him at the time, but we at least evolved enough to where now I want nothing for him but happiness, and same for me. it's important to be able to recognize when a relationship that you're in, what the purpose of that relationship is. And just to shoot a few short months after you lose someone, whether it's divorce or whatever, death, be sure you know what you're looking for because that's the scary part is when you're... You don't know, you don't know. That's the hard part. Speaker 1 (35:00) But you sometimes don't know what you're doing. The problem. So, but be real with yourself. And like when you're going through the process, if somebody tells you they don't want this and you're trying to think like, I can change them or I can get them their no sis No mister, believe what they're telling you and move on. Don't be somebody's savior, don't be somebody's like hero coming in because that's not where life is. So I will tell you like in the beginning when he said he wasn't looking for a relationship and then we're like three months in and he hasn't left my side and I'm like, okay I'm catching feelings and I'm driving and he's, because we're leaving a networking event and he's in the passenger seat. Speaker 3 (35:40) If Natalie catches feelings, you're in trouble. That's why she hasn't been able to shake us. Speaker 2 (35:42) You're in trouble. Speaker 1 (35:45) So I'm just driving home and I was like, I'm catching feelings and he's like, I would have sat in silence the rest of the way home. And he said, well, I have a date in mind. I'm like a date. He said, I have to be divorced a full year before I'm exclusive with anyone. And I'm like, when is that? Like, what are we talking about? So we're in July or June. And he's like, it's July such and such. And I'm like, okay. We can do that, that can go. like having your checklist, because so many people these days like are driven and they have these goals, especially your 20s and 30s, you know what you're looking for. But sometimes what you think you're looking for isn't truly what you need. So he wasn't, he didn't want any young kids, he didn't want somebody that had cats, he didn't want, he had his whole list and I think I checked every single box on his list. I had a young kid that my son was very difficult when he was young. I don't know if it was reactive or a rad disorder, but he hyper focused on things and I used to have to burrito him because he would cry for hours. And I remember leaving HEB with my son who was in the middle of a massive meltdown when he was young. And I just looked over at him at Bryan and I'm like, you know what, if you want out, I get it. Here's your chance. Here's your opportunity to leave. And he's stayed and he goes, I should have taken that. I should have taken that opportunity right then. But we joke, now Paxton respects him and understands, and there's a lot of respect between the two of them, which I really appreciate. Because he didn't step in to a dad role or try and replace anybody. allowed opportunity or allowed somebody to step up and be the person that they could be or needed to be. And when certain things weren't fulfilled or happened, that's when he did, which I'm very grateful for. But when you're dating, you do need to have that communication. And if somebody says they don't want kids, don't think that that's something you're going to be able to change. you're different religions, like it is very hard. Like on top of a hard relationship as it is, you can still have a great marriage, but you still grow through seasons of discomfort, seasons of things like, what in the world am I doing where you question, is this the right person? And you keep working at it, just like you do with your job. It's that communication of things. And I will tell you that dating was interesting for me. Like I learned about myself. I learned what I wanted, what I didn't want. I learned so much in the process and about people. pretty quickly I learned to see the flags. Speaker 2 (38:28) Yeah, you learn it, Speaker 1 (38:29) That's why I up, like, I went on two or three dinner dates that were just so uncomfortable. Like, the guy didn't eat because he was so nervous and he reeked of alcohol. I think he probably drank a fifth of vodka in the car before he came in and came inside and met me in the restaurant. And some other guy, I think, is just off of a DV kind of situation, domestic violence. I don't know. But like, you're in these situations. And then it just got to the point to where I'm like, I'm not, I'm not. not playing this game, like let's just do coffee. If it works, it works, and if it doesn't, it doesn't. We're not wasting time. I don't need a free meal. I'm not looking for a free meal. Speaker 2 (39:05) I don't need a relationship, I want a relationship and if you can't fit that bill then yeah. Then there's that. Speaker 3 (39:10) And there's that. I do want to say some of the best advice that I ever got, and Kelly, I know you can say she gave me this advice too, is after any tragic event, a divorce, a death, a massive job or career change or job, any Speaker 2 (39:31) Next life-changing eruption. Speaker 3 (39:33) best advice that I ever heard my mom given when my dad passed away, and it's been almost 20 years, was wait a year. Give it 12 months. Give it 12 months before you make any massive decision. And what made me think of you saying that is he said, just need 12 months for my divorce. And I'm thankful to hear that Brian said before anything, before any commitment. And so in saying that, We all go through tragic things, different things, but there is, and I am not a psychologist. I thought that at one point in time I wanted to be one, but I didn't go to school for it, so have no reason to, you know, or backup for saying this. But I know that the way the human body, the brain, and people that I work with and I coach, and different things that I've seen them go through, when you give yourself, 12 months and you look at it and you analyze it and you think about where you were then versus where you are now, you're in a much better head space to make a decision. And because this is about relationships. Speaker 2 (40:40) And that's a minimal 12 months. That's the starting point. That's the starting point. It took me five years. Yeah. Five years. And I've got many friends who shortly after they lost a spouse or got divorced, men and women both, a lot of people say, oh, men will be the first ones to get married. No, I had some female friends who also after sometimes a year, maybe a year and a half, they're already married. And I'm just like, I step back and I'm like, I couldn't even imagine being in that state. Speaker 3 (40:45) I understand that. And there's exceptions to the rule. I lost my very best friend to glioblastoma. Kelly lost her husband to glioblastoma, but 19 years ago I did lose her. And her husband went on to find love and they are still together and they broke that one-year rule and so it's a rule rules are made to be broken just like budgets. me! No, I'm just kidding. Good budget, but you know. But it is as a Speaker 2 (41:11) Of course they're right, I love them. Do you it? Speaker 3 (41:38) as a thing to think about when you're going through something so serious or heartache or I don't know, just think where you are today, 12 months from now, give yourself a break. Speaker 1 (41:52) Unpack the trauma and stuff you've gone through whether it's your childhood whether it's past relationships and dealing with narcissism Maybe you're the narcissist and you need to look in the mirror. Whatever that is Unpack that so that whenever you go into a new relationship You're not bringing this baggage weighted down you can I mean gather there to help unpack and get you in a comfortable situation as you are for them But deal with a lot of that baggage, whatever it is that may be hurting you, and like triggers or certain things so that you can be of a good heart and spirit to look and start dating. Speaker 2 (42:31) So, one last thing I wanna bring to the table, and it's a good question, is let's say, and one of my very good friends brought this to me. She's been seeing a gentleman for a little over a year, I guess. she definitely, she wants a long-term relationship. She would love to get married again. They do so many things together. When people see them together, They think they're the power couple and all these wonderful things, but yet She sometimes feels like they're just a plus one, that she's just his plus one. I didn't ask too many questions, but I get the feeling that there's not a really strong level of intimacy there. Maybe not so much on her part. So her question to me, the other day she sent something to me on Facebook, and it was this gentleman. She said, maybe this is the route that I need to go. and it was from Matt Boggs, which I'd never heard of before. He has a Facebook, there was a Facebook post, and it was called Matt Boggs and it was Choose Love. And I looked him up a little bit and he does, he's a life coach, he's a relationship coach. I, know, there's some of his reels and stuff and he has some really good insight on things. you know, she asked, you know, my friend asked me, she said, maybe this is the route I need to take. If I want to find out, the big major question is, I'm catching feelings for you, are you catching feelings for me, or is this just a friendship? And it could be someone that you're dating, it could be a coworker, it could be anybody. So it's funny, so I'm just gonna bring this up real quickly. He has these really cool questions that you ask. And he says, so you have to be bold enough to move the energy. You have to be that person that, you know, if you're catching feelings with this person and you're not sure if they're in that same group with you and on that same alignment with you, then you just have to push forward. But yet, and where she's concerned, she's like, but I have so much fun with him, I don't want to jump the gun and then lose that plus one status or we have so much fun. So, Matt calls it in being in the yellow zone, which is kind of the caution. You know, you got the red, yellow, and the green. Red, yes, red, yellow, green. It's like a stoplight. Like a stoplight. How profound. And so if you are flirting with a person, like you said, whether it's a co-worker, whether it's someone that you're dating, so these are two questions you can ask your person. And since you're flirting, having a fun conversation, and you basically say, you know, it's a good thing that we're just friends because I don't think you could handle me if we were dating. It's a statement. But what it does, or you can say, yeah, it's a good thing we're just coworkers, because I don't think you could handle me if we were dating. And that opens the door for them to say, oh yeah, I don't think you could handle me. But again, but if it's not a coworker, what if it's someone that you that you hang out with on a daily basis? Like I said, it may not be a coworker. yeah. Speaker 3 (45:19) or an HR violation. I'm just saying. Speaker 1 (45:31) made to Speaker 3 (45:33) they are. Speaker 2 (45:34) His response, his or her response could be a really well thing you could handle me or maybe it's complete opposite. So that's one question and the other question was since we're friends, know, since we're just friends, you can't wear that clone anymore because it may just get me in trouble. what it does is that it does one of two things. either opens the door. Yeah. To say, no, we're just friends. Or, yeah, maybe I should wear it more often. Speaker 3 (46:04) Or you just made it Speaker 2 (46:05) or whatever. that's what saying. it's like, and that's just the yellow light. Now he gives some examples of the green light, which a little more forward. We don't have time for all that. But if you want to look him up, it's very interesting the way some of the approaches that he makes. And he's very humble. He's really good. He's on Instagram. He's on all the different platforms. And like his name is Matt Boggs. he talks about how your brains actually react physiologically when you've been ghosted. I mean, when you deal with rejection. And so there's a lot of different things that go into the emotional component of when you're with this person for so long, it's so simple, it's so easy, it's so consistent. and it's so nice, and it may not be your final outcome that you want, but after I kind of split from this other person and I got with Trevor, he blocked me on everything. It was like, okay, fine, which I'm okay with that because that's not where I was headed anyway. But it's just, we all have different communication styles. We have different fears. We all have different acceptances. What are we willing to stay with? What are we willing to accept? as a permanent factor in our life. And whether it's being a plus one, just so you've got someone to go and travel with, and if that person wants to be married or not, then yeah, that's a huge communication. But when you're with someone that fills almost all those boxes except that commitment box, say, sorry, you don't want a commitment, then I'm out, and then you're alone. and all your friends go do things and there you are alone and you don't get included, that's a hard decision. I've been there. That's a hard decision and you have to be really, really strong within your personal commitment to yourself and how much you can endure that being alone before you can go that route. Speaker 1 (48:04) You're not opening yourself up for opportunity. Speaker 3 (48:06) No, I've seen so many women just sitting back and being married as long as I have. My girlfriends going through stuff when they are so enabling and they are so there for a guy and they are so waiting for that text message. They're so waiting for this and because they're waiting and literally, here you go, I'm here. You you want to do this? You want to do that? I'll cancel my plans. Guys, you know, the hunt. Like the, what was the book you were talking about? Men are from Mars, women are from Venus. Speaker 2 (48:07) password All my or whatever, all that. Speaker 3 (48:36) old school stuff is but like there's there's a chase there is a chase that's there also and yes and not always being so available like there's layers for this conversation I think we can have another Speaker 1 (48:38) to chase. Speaker 2 (48:42) making your so much. We could go to the layer. Speaker 1 (48:49) more than an hour. Speaker 2 (48:54) I think so too, because I'm, you know, speaking on behalf of my friend, she's most loving and adoring person. And she's had some losses in her life as well. And just the friendship that we have shared, she has so much to give. And it really makes me sad that if this gentleman that she's been seeing for a while doesn't see what a wonderful catch that he's got, then shame on him. And it makes me sad for her, because I'm like, you know what? she's missing out on that fulfillment that she wants. But I'm like, you know what? You do it in your own time. Because at some point you will realize what you want and what you don't want and everything. Speaker 3 (49:34) realize your value and stop giving so much. And I love you and if you're listening and watching you're amazing. Yeah. Stop giving so much. Speaker 2 (49:43) Yeah, she's a beautiful Christian person and is so loving and caring and giving and she's, you know, yeah. Speaker 1 (49:48) When you dial it back, it's game changer. It really is. Speaker 2 (49:51) It It is. And I just kind of feel like if she would have really put it out there and say, hey, dude, what's up? What's this about? I think they're more on the same page than what she realizes because at the same time, the sad thing is that he might be thinking the exact same thing. He might be saying, well, this is what I want, but I'm not sure what she wants. If we're going to be plus ones, let's be plus ones. Speaker 1 (50:13) Let's be straight. This is what I need. This is what I expect. what I expect. Speaker 2 (50:19) If we're going be plus ones, great. If we're not plus ones and we're friends with benefits, okay. But if we're going to be committed, whatever. But let's both be on the same page and know what the expectations are. some of the recommendations that we have made, there is no scientific fact of anything that we've just put out there. That's what saying, it's all been experience. And what my experience could be totally different from what yours is, from what y'all's is. Speaker 1 (50:38) I'm not sorry, it's my life experience. Okay, but post in the comments. Speaker 3 (50:49) Just in the comments, and whoever is listening, you're going through something and you're questioning yourself, just know you are worthy. Yeah. And believe in you. Speaker 2 (50:58) Any input, we would welcome that because I mean we're three different experiences over half a million that are out there. Speaker 1 (51:04) get into blended families. Speaker 3 (51:06) We've got a lot more to be Speaker 2 (51:09) subscribe to our podcast, you know, look us up, join us, we love feedback, we would love any type of comments that you've got, whether it's on the sip of the day, the main dish, any feedback, whether we were right, whether we were wrong, yes, you agree. We would love to hear your feedback. Please don't tell us that we're wrong. Just kidding. But yeah, anything else you guys want to wrap up? Speaker 3 (51:29) just want to say, please subscribe. And sugar, spice and spirits, cheers to you. Speaker 2 (51:32) yes.