When the Roles Reverse: Caring for Aging Parents

Speaker 1 (00:37) Guys, welcome back to another podcast episode with Sugar Spice and Spirits. I am with my two cohorts here. I'm Kelly Williams and I am with And. And we are going to dive into a topic today that is probably very close to a lot of people's hearts. Speaker 2 (00:37) Hey guys. Mindy Price. Speaker 3 (00:49) Natalie Pilkington. Speaker 1 (00:57) But before we get started, we're going to take off with our notorious sip of the day. Today's topic is a little more serious, so we're going with a little more serious drink. We are going with a little bit of a Cabernet. I like a good Cabernet. This is a Robert Mondavi bourbon barrel mix. It's really good. It's not real dry, not real sweet. If you're used to very sweet wine, you probably won't like it. I like it as an after-dinner drink or just a when I've had a really crappy day kind of drink. But it's good. I think you have to acquire a taste for a Cabernet. I started out with the really sweet wine before, but now this is definitely, Cabernet is definitely my go-to. I am not the wine connoisseur. Mindy is much more of a wine connoisseur, so she can really taste the flavors more than me, but I just drink it. And you like it. I love it. is the one you like. I love it. This is one of the ones that I, this is a really good, affordable after work wine. There are some much more expensive wines that can go to of course, yeah, this is a great go-to. ladies, if you want to have a little toast, cheers, cheers. I love it. Speaker 3 (02:01) I like this one too. Speaker 1 (02:02) Yeah, I love it. Sometimes I'm in the mood for really sweet or a little bit sweeter, but this one's not too dry. okay, so where do we start? I think a lot of us, I know all three of us in this room have dealt with the transition of having to be a caregiver for our parents or a loved one. We're gonna really talk more about the parents today. My career as a physical therapist, I have treated a lot of patients and I have done a lot of education to loved ones, whether it be a spouse, whether it be a child, in how to turn that lifestyle over from your parent telling you what to do and suddenly you're telling your parent what to do. And that is a really, really, it's a really difficult shift. You know, your parents can, There's things that can be said that, you I changed your diapers and blah, blah, blah. And it's like, you can be kind of funny and say, well, guess what? I'm changing yours now. You have to find a little bit of a sense of humor in everything, but it's a really serious matter. There's a lot of things that go into being a caregiver, not just the physical capabilities, but really the emotional, a lot of the guilt. that goes along with it, just a responsibility when you are a career minded person. A lot of times you can't put your life, if you're a parent, you can't put your parenting on hold to be a parent not only to your kids, but also to your parents. So I am in a position now where my father, Papa Al, who actually helped me start my business. he helped me be a very successful entrepreneur. And I still consult with him on business. I have a non medical home health agency that he and I got started because he actually became a caregiver to his mom, my grandmother, who came down with breast cancer. And at the time, it was just so expensive to hire 24 hour care that my father quit his job, moved to where my grandmother lived and took over her business, but then also took over her care. So me being the physical therapist, we kind of put our heads together and we decided let's start a business. That's for another time. But the business has been thriving and it just worked because we've both been in that position. But what we want to talk about today is just from the standpoint of us as caregivers. The guilt. the anger, the resentment, and just knowing that you're not alone in dealing with a lot of these emotions. When you wake up one day and you've got this long list of things that you've got to do and all of a sudden someone calls and says, hey, I need this, I need that, and all of a sudden your entire day's plan has just flown out the window. There's a lot of irritation that goes with that. And I think we all love our parents. and are so grateful to what they've done for us, but sometimes it's just really tough to trade that position with them. So like I said, right now my father actually lives with me. I'm blessed that I have a nice little compound that I live in and my dad has his own apartment. He's actually lived with me for many years. My mom is independent and on her own, but there may come a day. that I have to also take care of her. know Natalie's mom lives with her. Mindy's mom was in a different facility and Mindy took care of her for very long time until unfortunately her mom passed. But Mindy was very involved as well in her mom's care. So I think we all have a little bit to bring to the table as far as our experiences and some of our emotions and how we dealt with lot of that. So if you guys want to kind of give any, For thought on some of your best advice, I know that we've all kind of bounced things off of each other. I think anyone that's out there that might be going through this transition would love to hear about maybe some of the things that you think were most helpful for you with what you guys did. Speaker 2 (06:03) So I will say getting through this episode without crying is not going to happen. My mom passed a couple of years ago. My dad passed 18 years ago in August. He passed away of a heart attack playing golf. What a way to go. know, no warning. And then you have the other side of it that not only is taking care of an aging parent, but taking care of an aging parent that also has mental disorders. There's a lot of layers to the onion that I probably will not let unfold. But I will say, like, I'm just sitting here and I'm pinching myself and I'm like, I don't want to cry. But for anybody who's listening to this right now, your feelings are valid, whether they're anger, whether they're sadness, whether there's, I don't know, oddly joy. I don't know. I don't want to discount anything because nobody can judge you for your feelings. Only you know. what those feelings are. My journey was very different as a caregiver from just helping an aging parent. When you add a mental disorder to it, it gets even harder. And we're talking about another level to dementia. We're talking about true diagnosed disorders that I had to deal with that I never talked about because prior to, I realized what my mom was going through, Speaker 1 (07:26) through. Speaker 2 (07:27) and trying to hide it from everybody and make it like everything's okay and hide it from my family even though my husband knew but I didn't want my kids to know and I wanted to shelter you know other family members from it because I didn't want to be judged or I didn't want to be judged in my career and that may sound terrible but back in the day it wasn't so easy to talk about mental illness and then as you're trying to care for somebody who's also dealing with that it's very very difficult and my mom passing and through those all the years that we had it and then when the ultimate of her going and how all of that took place. I mean it's very, very difficult to think of, but I do think that I have a lot that I can share. It's my own story. Your story's very different. Everybody's story is their own. Still a lot of wounds that I haven't cried in a long time. And I was like, I told the ladies, I was like, I'm gonna be able to get through this. It's fine. And then here I am, literally I'm pinching myself. Don't cry, don't cry, don't cry. But this is... It's so personal. And then I also think of caregiving while we're talking about caring for older parents. And I know this wasn't part of what you wanted to talk about, but for two years I was there with Kelly as her husband was going through brain cancer and dealing with all of that and being there every single day and seeing a wife go through that and being the supportive friend of the friend who had the disease and then the friend of the wife, the caregiver who was dealing with that. It's a lot and there's a lot that I hope that if somebody's listening today, they can take a nugget and go, it is okay to get down on your knees, to fall out and just cry, to reach up even if you're not a believer. I am, but even if you're not going, there's, I just need help from somewhere. And knowing it's okay to reach out for help is okay too. Saying you're not okay is a really big deal. And then there are folks that are in the weeds of it right now. You've got Papa Al. Natalie, you have your mom. There are things and stories you tell and ailments that her mother has that my mom never had that Papa Al doesn't have and vice versa. All of these things, like we're all dealing with something and something that if you're close to your parent, know of your parent, especially close to them and they are aging, dealing with this, it is so difficult. I think my mom, you know, being in her early seventies passing away. so young, my dad dying in his 50s, again, lost him. And I always remember people saying, is it easier or harder to lose a parent not knowing or somebody that you love or being able to have it spread out? I can't tell you because I had so much hurt with both of those. And then something that hurts me too, I think about my brother's nine years younger than me, being so young in his 30s and not having his parents. You know, my dad not being able to be there for when he got married. Like there's just so much that we all deal with and there's different people that are going through so many different things that you don't talk about. Oftentimes at work you don't talk about these things, but having empathy and just being kind and giving people grace, I went through changes in my life that I didn't even realize until now that I'm like, gosh, I am such a different person because of that. And I'm still finding my way back to that. super happy person that I was, but I compressed a lot of stuff for a really, really long time. Really, really heavy stuff. And so for me, I don't know how much I'll talk today, but if I just start crying, I'll just ignore it. Because these two blessings in my life right here, you still have your moms, your dad did pass, and you have a whole story, and you've shared that. I don't know if somebody's listened to that or what it is, but thinking about where you are. with your mom right now, like we're all dealing with stuff. But I just hope there's nuggets we can give away that can help. Speaker 3 (11:14) Yeah, think so my dad did die of brain cancer. He died my senior year, but I was very fortunate to have a relationship with him. That but I was there. through the process of him dying and going through the hospice and taking his last breaths and the death rattle and everything that goes along with that. But succumbing to cancer and how he fought that was quite a journey. Really loved him, loved the whole process and the story with that and very thankful and grateful for the relationship we had. My mom lives with me and a lot of my friends, they just laugh at her because she sits in the living room in her throne. and she just talks shit to everybody that walks by, anybody, the cat, the dog, any one of us. Like she's just the queen shit talker. And it's funny sometimes and other times it's like, I have my bonus baby, he's nine, like mom, take it easy, like calm down, it's okay, I'm right here, I'm the mom, I got this. So it's that balancing struggling act that you have to do. Role reversal mom's mad because I sold her car. Mom's mad. Like I can't drive. Why won't you let me drive? Mom, you didn't drive for three years. That wasn't me. That was you. Your car was there. You had the keys. So going through all of that, you know, it's fun. People don't talk about it. I think people don't talk about it because you don't get the response that you expect. Your expectation is you hope to have support. You wish someone would step up, but a lot of people run. They don't want to have these tough conversations. They don't know what to say. Oh, it sucks for you. Have a great day. See you later. You know, like, or tell your mom, said, hi. It's a tough conversation and not everybody will respond the way that you want them to. And people don't know how to react. when I, some people just need to vent, but when if they're coming to you and they're asking something, it's like, well, I don't know what to say. I don't know what to do. What do you need a mill train? Like, what am I, how can I add value or how can I help? And sometimes it's just being there to listen to somebody. But it was interesting when I was traveling in India, I went to five different cities there in India. talking to the people, it's like your mom lives with you. Everybody in America puts their mom in a home or puts their parents in a home. And that's not accurate. I think we need to normalize talking and having multi-generational homes. And I think that does add value because even though it's tough, and sometimes I just want to put mom up in the room and lock the door, memories, like we all have tons of great memories with her. We laugh, like it's just... It's a conversation like opening her mail. I opened her mail the other day and sometimes, you know, it's like, do I open my mouth? Here's a funny story. When my mom first had her brain aneurysm, she had a massive lead and she's 300 pounds. We didn't know like, I'm like, how am going to move? Like she can't go upstairs. I'm going to have to turn my office or my dining room into a room for her. Like logistically thinking when this first happened and her phone rings when she got home from the hospital and she gave the guy who called her my phone number saying I handle all her finances. She's like, my daughter handles all my finances. I'm like, what finances, mom? You don't have any finances. Like, so this man's calling me for whatever reason. And you know, it's just funny things like that. She's like, I didn't know. Like, I just gave him your number. said, thanks, mom. Please don't leave my number out to random people calling. She also, like, I checked her mail the other day. A piece of mail came in and I opened it. And it's like, I thought it was going to be like some wealth planning or something like that. Because, you know, you go and have a Have a meal at Perry's on us and we'll help you. So like accredited investors call Natalie. I'll get you going. But I open it up and it's like go to Rudy's. Not Rudy's, Spring Creek Barbecue. I'm like, that's interesting. Like Spring Creek Barbecue, mom, what is this? Cremation. Don't talk about your cremation at the barbecue place. And I'm like, whoa, sometimes I just don't want to open mom's meal. It's funny. It's just you have to find joy and you have to laugh at these moments. Because if not, you'll drive yourself crazy. Like she was asking somebody in the house, are you going to go help the other kid do this? It's like, mom, we already did that. We just did that like 15 minutes ago. Right. You know, it's like that forgetfulness that like, are you still, are you going? Like, when are you going? When are you leaving? When are you going on vacation? When are you coming back? if the camera goes down, the cat is rubbing on our camera pole over there. it's fine. But anyway, you know, it's just those moments. with family and like you have to find the joy you have to find the nuggets and we laugh I showed mom that cremation thing and she Speaker 1 (15:31) There's the cat. If you're watching the video, the cat has now infiltrated the video. Speaker 3 (15:35) So she like you just have to laugh at these things like because you'll drive yourself crazy and I tell people like if you're bringing your little one my mom will watch them like a hawk and they play under the stairs we have toys and she's like don't play with that don't play with that it's like mom this is our party like we're we have friends and family over go upstairs if you can't handle it but this is what's happening today so Speaker 1 (15:56) And 100 % agree with you because you have to find the joy, you have to find the humor because there's so many episodes of this like, my gosh, another day, you know, taking the car away from your dad, your mom. My dad now walks the walker and I take him over, he's got some neuropathy in his feet so he doesn't feel his feet very well. So I'm like, well, the last thing you need to is drive in the car. But he is hell bent on wanting a car. And there are days when he'll call me and say, I have a list. I'm like, when don't you have a list? I've got meds. I've got this and granted. I live eight miles from town, which is not a long distance, but when you're sitting there in the middle of working or whatever, and they're going to call you when you're working, they're going to call you when you're on the commode, they're going to call you. They're not going to call you when you're And no, but the thing is, is that. Speaker 3 (16:45) you ever free. Speaker 1 (16:48) It's those little things when you realize that sometimes your life is not your own. And when you get upset and you get mad, that's okay. It's natural. And that's when you vent to your friends, especially those that understand it. Because there are those that don't understand. Because my father is the funniest man. He is so quick witted. And sometimes I'm just like, you're not funny anymore. But my friends will roll over laughing. Speaker 2 (17:14) You Speaker 1 (17:15) And I do. And the thing is, that when people get to come by and visit, they, parents turn on the charm. Husbands turn on the charm. But when you live it and breathe it, 24 hours a day, it does become a little bit overwhelming. And so it's okay to have those feelings of just, my gosh, can I do this another day? Yes, you can. because you surround yourself with people who have been there, done that. But there is some resentment when there's those times, and again, more so when I was taking care of my husband, when I would see all of my friends and family going out and living life and doing the things that we used to do, whether we'd all go meet at the after hours club and have some drinks and dance and everything. And I wasn't able to do that. And I was mad because they weren't there sitting there with me and I was having a pity party. And pity parties are just all the time. Speaker 3 (18:10) So Kelly, do you have siblings? Because this comes to mind. There's always that one responsible sibling that'll end up having to pull all the weight. Like I'm an only child for my mom. But you'll even find in situations where you're like, if I had siblings to share this with. there's always that one responsible sibling that everything ends up following up. Speaker 1 (18:20) Yeah. Thank goodness for when Lance was sick. Thank goodness. She became my bonus sibling cuz I was like I mean in the whole neighborhood we lived in a neighborhood where it was Lance had brain cancer and There were times when? If I took the keys away He got on the lawnmower and the neighbors would call me. He's on the lawnmower like that Speaker 2 (18:49) She'd be gone, she'd be like, Mindy, can you go get him? Speaker 1 (18:51) Yeah, yeah, yeah. So, when I was working full time away from home, thank God for my daughter. You know, I said, guess what? I'm hiring you to do this. I've got to some backup. And so, you know, you have to be able to be okay and not beat yourself up if you feel guilty because you get angry. Speaker 2 (19:10) Can we pause real quick? Of course. You asked this about being, she's an only child. So I have a younger brother, but he was in the military. Speaker 1 (19:18) Right. And you're essentially an only child. Speaker 3 (19:22) That's where resentment comes in though. Not that your brother's in the military, thank you for his service. However, there's families that just don't step up, like siblings that won't step up. And that's where you could also have additional family anger, like that resentment, like why aren't you showing up? Well, I pay for everything or I do this. And there's always that one person that sacrifices everything for the... So I'm just saying that's an additional... Speaker 2 (19:47) It's a big layer and I can remember folks would ask, you're not mad at your brother for not being here? No, like he can't, like he doesn't have the choice. And so you said something earlier that this is where I wanted to go was, you know, bringing your parent in. I tried like three or four different times. Even bought a huge house that had its own quarters and everything. For my mom, we did it for four months and she wouldn't take her meds and just different things and everybody's situation is different. And it broke my heart and we were in Colorado. And we were with my brother. And I can remember, he and I don't fight. He's like my best friend of best friends of best friends. And I'm so blessed with a couple of people in my life that I trust with everything. But that dude is my person. Like he is, he's my best friend. He's my blood. He is that person. And he said, you have got to move her out. We've got to put her in a memory care facility. We've got to get 24 hour care around her. We've got to make sure she decides to wander off or do this because. There's just a lot, again, a lot of layers to the onion and we're not gonna go into today. And I was so mad at him. And I can remember bawling and crying. And my sons were like, why are you so upset with Michael? I'm like, I'm not upset with him. I'm upset with the conversation. Y'all just need to walk away. We're sitting outside by a fire pit. It's snowing, all these things. He's like, I'm putting my foot down. We've got to move her. You cannot. keep trying to do this. And the reason why I share this right now is while we have fun with business, life, real estate, all of these things, if you're somebody that's dealing with this and you feel guilty, not because you're a jerk and you want to get rid of your responsibilities and take that for what it is, but you've tried everything and you're at that point where you just know it's killing you. You're not present for your family, your kids, your spouse. Not necessarily work because maybe you make a change or a choice or I don't know, but whatever's on your heart, you know, and when I finally made that decision and we moved my mom somewhere, it killed me and I felt so guilty. But because of my particular situation, it was the best thing that we could have done and the little bit of sanity that I had back got me through some of the hardest years that we went through with her and I was still able to mostly, and I will say I was not fully present for my kids and for my husband, I try to always be present at work and I know that's terrible too. Like I was so driven. But it helped me to get through those things and if you're at that point, it's okay to look for help. The other thing that really sucks too is how expensive it is. But if you're putting yourself in a situation where you're just completely driving yourself crazy and that's that, you know, parent, that spouse, that whatever. There are programs that are out there. When I finally let go, and it took me a lot of years to let go and put her somewhere, and I had a lot of guilt, but when I finally did it, I was like, thank goodness. But I also monitored. I made sure they were taking care of her. I was there. I researched. talked to... different people that had their family members there to make sure I was okay with it. I toured different parts of the facility where I was like, yeah, she's not going there. We're gonna pay the extra money for her to go here. And I know some folks aren't in that situation where they can do that, but there are good places that are out there that aren't an arm and a leg. I do want people to be okay with knowing that is okay to do that, not as a first resort. personal opinion, you know, want to try to take care of that person. My youngest son, y'all, he threatens me all the time. He's like, mom, you know, when you and dad are ready to go to the nursing home, you want to make sure I pick a good one, right? Like he always says that when I say something that he doesn't like, he doesn't want it, you know, he's joking around, but I'm also like, I think about his age. I think about his mindset. think about how long we were dealing with this stuff with who we call his meemaw and While he's joking, I know there's a layer of that that's in there and he saw how much I took care of my mom. People are watching, your kids are watching. How you do things is really important. And as long as you're doing your best, you're only human. You can only deal with so much. Speaker 1 (23:48) Yeah, and I mean, when I was getting my doctorate, I did a research paper on the mortality rate of caregivers with terminally ill spouses. It was off the charts. I don't have those numbers with me. It was 80 something. The increase mortality rate was huge. Speaker 2 (24:05) But I'm a brunette. Speaker 1 (24:14) There is just a few little stats that I ran across. 88 % of caregivers report increased stress or anxiety. 77 % say they struggle with sleep deprivation. Six in 10, 60 % report moderate to high emotional stress, burnout, depression, physical strain, not just now and then, but persistently. Only 23 % report good mental health, while 40 %... 47 % have experienced anxiety, depression, and related issues in the past year. When you think about the amount of time that is spent, only 25 % report good health. I mean, that's a significant number. mean, 75 % have poor health or impaired health, 25 % good health. That is huge on the opposite side. Only 20 % prioritize healthy habits. We feel lonely, we feel isolated, we feel deprived. The divorce rate goes up when you as, know, we feel obligated as this person's child to take care of them. But our spouse also feels that neglect when we lose that obligation to them. So, I mean, it's just, says, you know, there's a wake up call, 80 % of spouses. A survey of baby boomers caring for aging parents found 80 % say it puts a strain on their marriage with 46 % reporting damage to their romantic relationship. If you are a newlywed, I'm a newlywed, know, even regardless of that, when all of a sudden you move your parent into your home, all of a sudden your intimacy, your personal time is bombarded by somebody else. It's, it's, it's, very, parents can be very demanding. Speaker 3 (25:59) Well, I mean, you go and clean the room. Last thing you want to do is come down and be intimate or be involved. like, I just had to go clean. Speaker 1 (26:07) I mean, some researchers in Boston found that adult children caregivers average nearly 20 extra hours a week caring for their parents. That's a part time job. That's on top of possibly the full time job that you may have that's a paying job. Not to mention taking care of your own kids, if that's the age group that you're in. You get robbed of your time with your spouse or your kids or when you're wanting to go to your kids. softball games or basketball games or whatever and you can't because because mom or dad can't be at home alone. And that's where you got to the point where you had to make that that very difficult decision because you realize that you are no longer in the capability arena of taking care of your mom. And you had to do what's best for your mom. And we feel guilty about that. But I think in the long run, you realized she got great care and you were able to go visit her every single day. But there's still just that, you know, my my late husband's father just recently passed away and he had dementia. And it was a horrible transition when he didn't know who we were. He didn't know his wife or his kids. And it was just awful. But we realized that I watched my late husband's mother. It just took such a toll on her. I mean, was really, really, really difficult. And we all got together and just said, you know, she's spending so much time taking care of him that it's wearing her down. She may go before him. that's a statistic that you have to think about because the art of caregiving is stressful, it's demanding, and you just have to find that support system around you. Speaker 3 (27:41) Well, you got to take care of yourself first and foremost because you can't take care of your spouse if you're dead. So when you can't take care of your kids, if you're dead and that just really puts a bad, bad situation. spend the 20, 30 minutes, even if it's walking the neighborhood, doing something like that for yourself to stay active, stretching mobility is important. But, but in that sense, do you have a one other thought? And then I want to go to this other question I have for you, Kelly. So If you are in midlife and you've got younger kids and you've got to try and do a date night Bring in a sitter bring in somebody like you can bring in an adult sitter They do have adult daycares if you need be I mean We've got so much technology that we can utilize to help stay like I can pull up my camera in my living room and see Mama I see exactly what she's doing. I know everything But there are things that you can do from putting a tracker, you know in their shoe and just different things to protect yourself, but hiring a babysitter. Focus and make it intentional. You've got to be intentional with your life and things that you're doing. And everybody's trying to do their best and you're going to F up in some places in some areas. But use the resources. Like I know churches have some resources, not so much for elderly in the sense, but like my church has adaptability and for special needs children and a lot of different things that. that they do and provide to be inclusive and so forth. But like there are resources. Do you know of any resources? know they can go to the AARP, there's Medicare, Medicaid sites that people can go to, but what, because there's so many different resources and tools that are available out there. Where would one even start to look that you don't even know that's doctors too. Speaker 1 (29:18) So a lot of times I've absolutely asked your doctors a lot of times if you're looking for just like daily care and You you can go to eldercare.com those you know different resources, you know Dr. Google is always good that you can you know, you can look into different things to keep kids keep your kids before keep your family your parents Busy on a daily basis keep them, you know watch over, know the whole reason that my father and I started our our business, which our business is a little bit unique because we do nothing but 24 hour living care. We don't do hourly care. So we do two caregivers and they transition. They work every seven days on, seven days off. And that works wonders for those that deal with dementia and those types of things. And the rates a little bit more affordable. So keeping people in their own home is I think the way that people want to go. But the issue that you run into obviously is expense. So if you need to find someone to come in there, you can go to your churches. You can go to some of the various hospitals, case managers, social workers, even go to some of your local in-home care facilities that can give you, sometimes there are people that are on a list that may just offer four and five hours a day, just sitter services. Maybe they don't need, because there's certain things outside of, your medical care that sitters can and can't do. They can't administer medication. There's those sort of things. But if you just need a break, if you just need, I just need to go to the store, I need to go to the movie. Speaker 3 (30:47) to sure they don't cook something while you go to the store. Speaker 1 (30:50) Right, those types of things. Sometimes if you just need someone just to come in and sit with mom and keep her company, that may only be a few hours a day. But if you're in a situation where maybe you live out of town, heaven forbid you live out of town, and mom doesn't want leave her house, then your resources get a little more slim. you just go in and look. there's all sorts of, I pulled up some resources that were kind of familiar to me and in some I looked into and not quite so sure. Speaker 3 (31:18) tell you, my mom does so much better when I have somebody else come to the house and help her. Like she won't walk the block for me. She won't walk to the mailbox. She will do nothing I ask her to. And she just looks at me and laughs. Right. When that third party comes in, it's like, you want me to walk? Sure. I can walk. And then she will go miss zippity. Like she's, I got the zooms and she goes, so it's, it's even Speaker 2 (31:30) It's like our kids. Third party comes in and all the... Speaker 3 (31:45) like what you think may end up being an inconvenience or like just a break for you might actually be a break in something that's very healthy and beneficial. Speaker 1 (31:53) Yeah, because we think about the little bit of resentment and irritation on our side when we have to get our schedule interrupted and take care of this person. But you have to also think about the flip side of things. How irritated they are because their child is not telling them what to do. And we did a previous podcast on technology. And when I tell you my father and I have gone round around about the difference between making the call or making the text message on that iPhone, he and I butted heads yesterday and I finally just had to say, okay, hang on. I'm going to walk out. We saw, we saw. I said, okay, let's start over because it must've been the 10th time that we had the text messages 101 and they just don't get it. And you have, and he was just as frustrated with me is I was with him because he's like, know I'm calling you and I'm so sorry. And there's days I'm like, daddy, it's okay. And then I'm like, what? And I'm like, stop, being so mean. So I'm not being me. I'm being human, but I feel mean because I look back at all the, I'm being me. I'm being a bitch. But I look back at the things that my dad has done for me and would always do for me. Speaker 2 (32:48) you You're not being. Speaker 3 (33:02) and me. could be nicer. Speaker 1 (33:10) And there's times I called my daughter and I'm like, can you please come out here for just a few minutes? Said, I'm on my way. So she is definitely my go-to. I've called Mindy, I've called you. I'm like, okay, I'm cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs at this point. Speaker 2 (33:15) and she's because you're human, Kelly. And you've been there, and I've been there, and there were times that I was so frustrated with my mom, but I will tell you, and they say it, when they're gone, you're gonna miss it. You know what? I would love to be that frustrated again. Because you can't take it back, you can't go back. And you hear it, you listen to it, it's like, okay, until it's you. But when it's you, you do get it. you do realize those things and that it's super, super hard and it's okay. so thinking about resources, wherever you're listening from, we don't know where you are, but as she said, Dr. Google is so great. Go on Reddit, go and look for reviews and read them because there are unfortunately people that will want to take advantage. And then go to the different nursing homes and to the different assisted livings and say, we're not here yet, but start to build that relationship and say, this is my- situation, your church or whatever, but this is my situation, your chamber. Here's what I'm looking for. Who can you recommend? And then you're being proactive and you're looking into giving your person, your uncle, your aunt, your mother, your father, your brother, your sister, whatever that person is to you, you're figuring these things out and you're coming up with a plan. A lot of things in life, it's like travel insurance. Do you buy it? I'm that person that does. I would rather not need it. And I was out of the country one time and needed it and realized that healthcare was cheaper there. But anyway, that's another story. But you'd rather have this insurance plan, this emergency plan, all of these things. And I'm the pot calling the kettle black. I'm not saying that I had these things, but I can look back hindsight and go, had I done this, I would have been more prepared for that. So I look back, my mom's gone. You know, these two. are, you your mom is doing pretty well living on her own independently. Your dad is here, your mom is living with you. Unfortunately, your dad is also gone too. So when I think about what advice can I give, it's advice, y'all. It's my opinion. We've all got one. I always say this, not a doctor. I don't play one on TV, but there are certain steps you can take to be proactive, to go to the chamber and say, I have an aging parent. I have somebody that's dealing with X, Y, and Z, and you have to be vulnerable. Speaker 1 (35:06) was. Speaker 2 (35:27) Don't give them a ton of information. And you could say, I'm asking for a friend if you don't want to say it's you. And go to the chamber, go to the different assisted living places, go to the memory care places, go to the nursing homes. Who would you choose for this? Your doctors are great resources. Doctors are a great resource, but I'm saying also expand that as you're putting that list together. Because doctors are going to refer you to this person. A chamber is going to refer you to that person. And then you're going to talk to them as a human. Hey, I understand these people might not be members. or I understand you might not be working with them, who do you know of, who can I call? And when you do that kind of research, knowing that you see the pattern of what's happening, it's so much easier to deal with it when you have things that are lined out than when you're in the thick of it. Again, easier said than done. It's hard for me to say it thinking back, but it's easy for me to go, okay, if somebody had given me this advice. how helpful it would be. And so looking at that resource, and I think, you know what, we could go back and we could do a little research and put in some show notes and have some different links that are gonna be very neutral, vanilla, easy for you, which is great. I'm not saying those resources aren't great, but I'm saying if you wanna make it specific to you, then in your area, do a little bit more homework and dig in a little bit more and then use these more generic resources that are amazing. that could actually give you what you need, but then because you're doing that homework, you might find out something. This is just so personal, the research that you can do digging in, not just by reading a review, but like digging into it. Is there anything on Reddit? Is there anything, you know, on the different reviews, going past page three and see what's out there on a Google search and, you know, don't get so sucked into it, but when it comes to caring for somebody that you love, I think doing the research is super important. Speaker 1 (37:14) Well, and we don't have time in today's podcast, but something that we can do later on is we're dealing with the emotional turmoil and everything that goes on with this. But there are so many different financial ramifications that run with all this taking over your parents finances. If they're not able to powers of attorney, medical, durable, Medicare, Medicaid, when do you switch their IRAs over, blah, blah, blah, their real estate. We could do 50 podcasts on this. So I'm going to make it a personal goal of mine to gather some of that information together. We will set up a different podcast for just some of the more legal and financial steps you might need to take. If you see the transition that you might be needing to care for your aging parents or your loved one, the will, the attorneys, all that stuff. I did probate with my husband. You can't do probate anymore. You have to have an attorney. A lot of things change. Speaker 2 (38:06) court on Friday for something. Speaker 1 (38:07) What I tell you today may be different tomorrow. So what I'm telling you is that if we at least give you some education from women who have been there, done that, and can at least guide you down that step of things that you, wow, I didn't think about that. What we tell you today may not work tomorrow, but at least we're putting that thought in your mind. So when you do have to cross this bridge, you've got your ducks in a row instead of your ducks in a wood chipper. I saw that on a show and I thought that was so cute. Some girl said, your ducks aren't in a row. You just toss those suckers in a wood chipper. I'm like, yeah, we don't want the ducks in a wood chipper. as usual, we do our best to try and touch on topics of interest, topics of reality that everybody deals with. This was really personal for all three of us. We didn't dive nearly as deep as we probably all could have. If there's anything specific that you have questions about, we would love to hear from you. You can certainly subscribe to Sugar Spice and Spirits at any time. You can go to our website, sugarspiceandspirits.com. I got it right this time. I had a little menopause moment earlier. But we would love to help you out in any way possible, give you our insight. Again, these are all our opinions. Some you may agree with, some you may not. But our goal is just to bring a little bit happiness, a bit of education to your front doorstep. So if there's anything else that you guys do or don't have, speak up now for hold your peace. But otherwise, we'll try to put together some stuff for the next podcast that's more along the lines of the financial aspects. Speaker 3 (39:38) Yeah, be sure to like, subscribe, and share where you watch our podcast, comment, send us any show ideas or drink ideas. Speaker 1 (39:45) Drink ideas for sure, yes. Speaker 2 (39:46) Yep. And thank you for all that you do for those that you love. Absolutely. Cheers.